It’s ok to let someone in

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 KJV
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. [10] For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

Let me tell y’all, lol. I do not want to keep having these types of messages. If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you know that I am single. At almost 50 years old, I’ve never been married. Yet, the Lord made a point to let me know that I would be married. That he had set me apart, to be married to a minister. I didn’t want to be married at all if I’m being honest. I had been let down by men my whole life and I had no need for them. Anything I wanted, I would and could get it myself. The only good thing that came from being with a man was my beautiful children. So, I guess they had their place, lol. I had made up in my mind that I was never getting married. That I would be forever single. I had no desire to have to be accountable to or for another person outside of myself and my children.

This decision had consequences. I had to do a lot of tough stuff on my own. I had to raise my boys alone. I had to take care of my whole family by myself. I had to carry a weight I was never meant to carry. All because I believed the lies of the enemy and let my past dictate every decision. Every hurt, injustice, disappointment, and heartbreak was the catalyst for each decision I made, good or bad. We don’t realize that giving in to the lies of the enemy, believing the foolishness he tells us, and living by the deceit hurts us more. More than anything anyone else could hurt us. I had to learn that the hard way and while I didn’t want to carry the weight alone, I was too proud to admit it to anyone. Even if everyone knew and just pretended they didn’t and were waiting for me to ask for help or remotely look like I couldn’t handle it. If I was drowning and there were people on the shore I would have rather drown than ask for help. That is how bad people had hurt me and how much pride I carried.

Again, I didn’t want to carry all of that alone, but if I’m being honest, my expectations for the one I would allow to help me were probably unrealistic. Ask anyone that was raped or molested as a child. We want people to be mind readers. We wanted people to be God; all-knowing. We wanted people to see us. We wanted people to know what we needed without us having to say a word. I wanted the man that I would spend my life with to dote on me and spoil me like the little girl in me longed for. I wanted him to notice everything about me, to know me inside and out, and could recognize when I was not myself or something was wrong. See, unrealistic. I wanted the type of husband you only see in Hallmark movies, but a man of God, lol. I can laugh now at the absurdity of it all. No one would have ever measured up to the standards I had set. He literally would have had to be God, because he also had to be able to love me despite what I’d been through and what I put myself through and only God could love someone as broken as me unconditionally.

So, now, all these years later the Lord in all his infinite wisdom and comedic flair wishes that I should have a husband. It took years for me to even remotely come close to accepting that. I had the plan for my life mapped out and a husband was not included in that plan. Not after I turned 45 anyway. It took me all these years to realize and accept what this passage of scripture means, especially in regards to ministry and marriage. All the ways I was afraid someone would/ could let me down come to mind when I read this and it gives me anxiety….still. Opening up to someone has never been my strong suit. Letting someone in, being that close to someone terrifies me, but I know that my marriage is destined for great things. I know the weight the Lord has placed on this union and the lives it will affect. One minute I’m excited, the next minute I am petrified. Who is this man the Lord has chosen for me? How can anyone love someone like me? Have I changed enough to truly be worthy of this gift? I don’t know and still I wait.

My marriage isn’t just about me if it really is at all. When it comes to fruition I pray that it does what God ordained it to do. That I do not get in the way of it’s mission. That I don’t somehow derail it out of fear or disobedience. We were never meant to walk this life alone. If you are struggling to release the spirit of independence or fear. If you struggle with the idea of surrendering and allowing someone else to take the reigns. Just know, you are not alone and it is one of the best gifts God can give his daughters. Put the weights down, you’ve proven to the world how strong you are. It’s time to let her go, she served her purpose. It’s time to become who God intended you to be. Jesus is coming soon. Walk in who God says you are, not who the world made you.